I take back everything that I have ever said. I'm actually really employable, a great worker, and not awkward. In fact, I'm fucking awesome.
Why this sudden change of heart from all of my previous musings? Because I'm conducting more and more interviews. Currently, my supervisor is out of town on a conference. This means that all of her administrative duties fall onto me, and I spend at least a few hours interviewing people. I did this around the holidays, and it was funny. It is no longer funny, and I genuinely understand why America has a failing economy.
"Yeah, so I was working at McDonald's. The manager there was a total fucking ass. He just had a different colored shirt than me. And like.....all he wanted me to do was work. And clean up spills. How crazy is that?"
But, I recently had the strangest/weirdest interview experience yesterday. And it has absolutely convinced me that I'm awesome at life/work.
The interview was set for 3:30, and at 3:40 a chubby man with glasses, B.O., and no belt walked into my office. He paused directly in front of my desk, and stated with Asperbeger delivery:
"Are you Jeff?"
I was momentarily relieved because I was sure that I wouldn't have to deal with anyone and could go home a few minutes early. When I responded in the negative, he replied.
"Jeff, you're Jeff. I remember your voice from yesterday. It's me, Jeff. I'm here for my interview. Don't you remember me?"
Aside from getting my name completely wrong, the fatal attraction delivery threw me off. That, and his next question:
"Do you hire ex-felons?"
Yes, we do hire ex-felons. As long, as it wasn't a crime against the person. For those of you that don't know what that includes, the general limitations are theft, assault, murder, and sexual misconduct. If you didn't know that, you could ask me...or you could read it on the application. He assured me that everything would be fine, then he plopped into a chair, pulled out a pen from his bag and began to fill out his application.
In the midst of writing things, he got up and plugged his cell phone into the outlet. I guess that's fine, but isn't that just weird to do at a job interview? I might have given him a "hurumph" look, because he came over and said,
"Jeff, my friends call me speed dial. They call me Speed-Dial, because I talk quickly and I am great with numbers. Jeff, when were you born?"
For some reason, I didn't feel comfortable telling him this, so I lied....about the year.
"May 25.......1987." I thought that if I gave myself an extra year, he would be afraid of me? Because 24 is a scary grown-up, while 23 is a baby? I don't know, it made sense at the time.
"Jeff, happy 9,000 day of life, 11 days ago. Jeff..." eyes fluttering in the back of his head a-la Undertaker from my mispent youth.."you were born on a Monday. Weren't you Jeff?"
Who the fuck knows what day of the week they were born on? But, I pretended to be impressed. Then, I googled it...and I actually was impressed. Homeboy was good with numbers, I'll give him that.
He sat back down and continued his application. He had a 2 liter of Mountain Dew and kept drinking it, burping into the bottle, and then rubbing his stomach by sticking 2 fingers through his shirt buttons to massage the pasty skin beneath. I sat transfixed like when you see a car accident or a girl with daddy issues at her sorority sister's batchelorette party.
Eventually, he finished his paperwork. (It took him 25 minutes to finish something that should be done in about 7 minutes.) He gave me the paperwork, and I instantly went to the felony section. He didn't have anything listed, other than the dates.
Normally, there is a very rehearsed structure to my interviews:
"Tell me more about yourself."
"What brings you to us today?"
blah blah blah.
Because homeboy was a talker. It quickly got adapted to:
"Describe yourself in three words."
"You don't have your felonies listed. Would you care to elaborate?"
His three words were small paragrahs. His felonies? Oh, that's where it gets fun.
November '97: Destruction of property. Homeboy got shitfaced and destroyed his mom's house. He paid a fine.
December '05: He and his new wife moved to a city for her work. He wanted to meet some new friends...so he went into a chatroom. There he met a 50 year police officer pretending to be a 15 year old girl. He was arrested at a park for "computer enticement of a minor." (I didn't even know that existed?)
January '08: He had consensual sex with a minor. You know, he already went to jail for being a pedofile, so he thought he might as well get with the program. Oh, and his wife divorced him 13 days and 15 hours before he got released from jail....so he was emo.
My response after that:
"You know, I really appreciate that you came in. Unfortunately, your felonies would bar you from employment with us. Because we go into people's homes, we can't hire anyone with your background. I'm so sorry, but it just won't work out."
His response:
"No."
It was a resounding "no." The kind of "no" that actually stops people and makes you think oh-shit-he's going-to-kill-and-then-rape-my-dead-body kind of a no.
"We're going to interview."
So, we talked for a bit. After 2 questions, I thanked him for coming in. I then told him that if we decided to continue with his application we would give him a call back on Friday. He grabbed my hand and began to slowly rub it, and then asked,
"How will you think of me?"
I'm not one to get flabbergasted, but I was pretty speechless. He then described himself as extroverted and friendly, to which I responded "that's a great choice of words that you should use to think about yourself."
So, Speed-dial, thanks for making me realize how awesome I am at my job.
Why this sudden change of heart from all of my previous musings? Because I'm conducting more and more interviews. Currently, my supervisor is out of town on a conference. This means that all of her administrative duties fall onto me, and I spend at least a few hours interviewing people. I did this around the holidays, and it was funny. It is no longer funny, and I genuinely understand why America has a failing economy.
An interview that is normal for me:
"Yeah, so I was working at McDonald's. The manager there was a total fucking ass. He just had a different colored shirt than me. And like.....all he wanted me to do was work. And clean up spills. How crazy is that?"
But, I recently had the strangest/weirdest interview experience yesterday. And it has absolutely convinced me that I'm awesome at life/work.
The interview was set for 3:30, and at 3:40 a chubby man with glasses, B.O., and no belt walked into my office. He paused directly in front of my desk, and stated with Asperbeger delivery:
"Are you Jeff?"
I was momentarily relieved because I was sure that I wouldn't have to deal with anyone and could go home a few minutes early. When I responded in the negative, he replied.
"Jeff, you're Jeff. I remember your voice from yesterday. It's me, Jeff. I'm here for my interview. Don't you remember me?"
Aside from getting my name completely wrong, the fatal attraction delivery threw me off. That, and his next question:
"Do you hire ex-felons?"
Yes, we do hire ex-felons. As long, as it wasn't a crime against the person. For those of you that don't know what that includes, the general limitations are theft, assault, murder, and sexual misconduct. If you didn't know that, you could ask me...or you could read it on the application. He assured me that everything would be fine, then he plopped into a chair, pulled out a pen from his bag and began to fill out his application.
In the midst of writing things, he got up and plugged his cell phone into the outlet. I guess that's fine, but isn't that just weird to do at a job interview? I might have given him a "hurumph" look, because he came over and said,
"Jeff, my friends call me speed dial. They call me Speed-Dial, because I talk quickly and I am great with numbers. Jeff, when were you born?"
For some reason, I didn't feel comfortable telling him this, so I lied....about the year.
"May 25.......1987." I thought that if I gave myself an extra year, he would be afraid of me? Because 24 is a scary grown-up, while 23 is a baby? I don't know, it made sense at the time.
"Jeff, happy 9,000 day of life, 11 days ago. Jeff..." eyes fluttering in the back of his head a-la Undertaker from my mispent youth.."you were born on a Monday. Weren't you Jeff?"
Who the fuck knows what day of the week they were born on? But, I pretended to be impressed. Then, I googled it...and I actually was impressed. Homeboy was good with numbers, I'll give him that.
He sat back down and continued his application. He had a 2 liter of Mountain Dew and kept drinking it, burping into the bottle, and then rubbing his stomach by sticking 2 fingers through his shirt buttons to massage the pasty skin beneath. I sat transfixed like when you see a car accident or a girl with daddy issues at her sorority sister's batchelorette party.
Eventually, he finished his paperwork. (It took him 25 minutes to finish something that should be done in about 7 minutes.) He gave me the paperwork, and I instantly went to the felony section. He didn't have anything listed, other than the dates.
Normally, there is a very rehearsed structure to my interviews:
"Tell me more about yourself."
"What brings you to us today?"
blah blah blah.
Because homeboy was a talker. It quickly got adapted to:
"Describe yourself in three words."
"You don't have your felonies listed. Would you care to elaborate?"
His three words were small paragrahs. His felonies? Oh, that's where it gets fun.
November '97: Destruction of property. Homeboy got shitfaced and destroyed his mom's house. He paid a fine.
December '05: He and his new wife moved to a city for her work. He wanted to meet some new friends...so he went into a chatroom. There he met a 50 year police officer pretending to be a 15 year old girl. He was arrested at a park for "computer enticement of a minor." (I didn't even know that existed?)
January '08: He had consensual sex with a minor. You know, he already went to jail for being a pedofile, so he thought he might as well get with the program. Oh, and his wife divorced him 13 days and 15 hours before he got released from jail....so he was emo.
My response after that:
"You know, I really appreciate that you came in. Unfortunately, your felonies would bar you from employment with us. Because we go into people's homes, we can't hire anyone with your background. I'm so sorry, but it just won't work out."
His response:
"No."
It was a resounding "no." The kind of "no" that actually stops people and makes you think oh-shit-he's going-to-kill-and-then-rape-my-dead-body kind of a no.
"We're going to interview."
So, we talked for a bit. After 2 questions, I thanked him for coming in. I then told him that if we decided to continue with his application we would give him a call back on Friday. He grabbed my hand and began to slowly rub it, and then asked,
"How will you think of me?"
I'm not one to get flabbergasted, but I was pretty speechless. He then described himself as extroverted and friendly, to which I responded "that's a great choice of words that you should use to think about yourself."
So, Speed-dial, thanks for making me realize how awesome I am at my job.
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